Sunday, July 26, 2009

hey guys? i'm scared.

Dear '09,
I miss you all a lot. You know how, when you miss someone, you start to see them subconsciouly in the faces of strangers? Even ones that don't really look anything like the people in question? Well, I saw Alex crossing the street, Carly on the train, etc etc.
This isn't helping the fact that I've got a tremendous amount of anxiety about moving, settling into Baltimore, and going back to school. I'm really not at all sure that I want to go to school at all, or that I want a job in academia... It's kind of crushing me right now. :-(
I wondered if y'all had any thoughts for me-- what career path (aside from academic) did/do you see me in?
On a happier note, I got to see some dead folk this weekend (Hudson and Hergenhan), which was nice. And I also now own a car-- a not-thrilling but perfectly practical 2004 Chevy Malibu.
<3 to all!
Katie

PS-- sorry for being a buzzkill.

6 comments:

  1. No buzzkill here at all. I think to some extent we're all a little uncertain about where we're going or if we've made the "right" decision. But the truth is, there isn't an absolute right or wrong one. What seems right today may not seem that way tomorrow. What seemed wrong yesterday may be just what's right today. It's all relative. We have to take life as it comes, and make our best efforts to choose to do what we feel is right at that moment. However, it does take an almost cocky confidence and faith to step out and do what we feel is right. Cause truth is, none of us know what tomorrow will bring.

    Stick with your gut. Be confident enough to go after what you feel is right, yet humble enough to learn from any mistakes along the way. That's what I think living is all about, getting out there and learning something new everyday.

    I've always imagined you as Dr. Jackson from SG-1 since we had that geeky conversation about wanting to be Dr. J's and Samantha's love children. And I can tell it's something you're passionate about. Follow the passion, see where it takes you.

    Also, car AWESOME! It looks like I'll be biking around Madison. Maybe I can finally get jacked! Want tickets to the Gun Show? BANG BANG

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  2. Also, one thing I noticed just now: I was totally in the same place you were, and after typing that last post I'm now a bit more sure or less fretful about my imminent move. So I apologize if that was completely self-serving.

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  3. Why did the Alex cross the road?

    (note: the rest of this is going to more or less just agree with Greg)

    1.) I was thinking the other day about what an awfully long time PhD studies are and how we're going to be barely twenty-somethings on the other side. However, in the end, I decided that I want to make something that is apparently magical in my life, and, lacking the inherent wizard-ing skills of Mr. Potter, I will have to settle for designing some sort of electrical system that does something non-trivial even though I can't even see it! I hope you'll have some similar moment of love for the Egypt (I have a feeling you will, since Egypt is pretty bitchin' by anyone's estimation and you seem really into it).

    2.) I don't know how your program operates, but I'm assuming you get a Master's degree somewhere along the way? Regardless, this is a good time to be investing in your future (since it's pretty difficult to get a job, anyway). So, even if you're not certain that you want to be a career Egyptologist, it's a good time to be in school.

    Rock on, Band Mommy -- if I could take you to Richter's for a beer, I totally would.

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  4. Well, since the rest of YP(h.D.)MB '09 is chiming in, might as well add my two cents.

    Katie, I agree with everything that both Greg and Alex have said. It's not a buzzkill at all because, frankly, it IS scary! Going for a Ph.D. is a big commitment in all respects--intellectually, emotionally--and, even if it is an intelligent investment, there are certainly times when all of the Ph.D.-bound must imagine we're doing the wrong thing. We think, we'll be twenty-eight by the time we're done--shouldn't we be doing something else with our lives? Not unreasonable fears, by any stretch of the imagination. And I think it's easy to let them get away from you into truly crippling anxieties.

    As nervewracking as it is, though, and as many doubts as you might have, focus on the things that excite you, and that will help. That doesn't mean thinking about classes, or the road to professorship, or fellowships or any of the red tape that comes with academia, but the things that brought you to love what you study. I don't know too many other people who would rather (for example) read through dense texts about Mayan ruins in bed before setting off for a Mexican vacation, or who could talk about the ancient world with such excitement as to make it real for anyone speaking with you. Those are special things. Hold on to them!

    One way or another, Katie, you have passion, and one way or another, you're moving into a stage in your life that will permit you to explore that passion to whatever depth you choose. Don't think about what comes after the Ph.D.--you're not there yet! Take it tiny piece by tiny piece, a day at a time, and take heart in the fact that, whether or not academic life turns out to be the best path for you, you will never lose your passion for learning, nor for Egyptology, and especially not your excitement about sharing that passion with others. These are gifts, talents, blessings... and I am fully confident that you will use them well, no matter what you do.

    Remember, all of us are only a phone call away, and some of us will even be within easy driving distance. You'll be okay, Katie. I believe that.

    Love, Erin

    P.S. I will happily take Alex up on his offer to treat you to Richter's. Call me when you are free, and we'll go.

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  5. Wow, I'm coming late to this discussion--I
    realized that after checking the '09 blog every day for a while, I haven't checked it this entire week! But if anyone's still reading these, I thought I'd add a little perspective, as (I think) the first one of us YP(h.D)MBers to actually start working where we've committed to spending the next ~6 years. Much of it may sound like what's already been said, but here goes anyways:

    It's definitely an adjustment, I'll give you that. Before coming to SD I was nervous (if also excited) about the big change in geography and academic setting I was facing. Now that I've been here for 7 weeks, what makes me uneasy on occasion is the lack of change I'm now facing. As young people, in high school and college, we've all dealt with change as a regular part of our lives, and the unknown future was, if sometimes scary, also kind of exciting in that anything seemed possible. Now I'm surrounded by people who are doing the same things that I'll probably be doing for the rest of my life. My future no longer seems like such an unknown, it's all laid out before me. The older grad students that I eat lunch with...that will be me in 3-5 years. I can look at my advisor, who has been working with the same kind of data for probably close to 40 years, and think...that will be me in 40 years' time. Lots of people, both here and elsewhere, have asked me what I want to do after my Ph.D. program (i.e. what I want to do with my life) and I repeat the rote answer that I've gotten used to...get an academic position, or maybe research in a government lab. But the reality is...I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HECK I'LL WANT TO DO IN SIX YEARS. I think that's just frightening because we're young, and we haven't devoted six years of our lives so intensely to any one project yet.

    But there are a couple things to take heart in.

    First, the people around me seem quite happy. They may complain about the workload from classes and deadlines for proposals from time to time, but they love what they do. I may be fascinated by what I'm doing much of the time, but I've only worked on this project for a few weeks, and may doubt whether I'll still feel that way years (or even decades) from now. But they've worked on their projects for years now, and they still can talk excitedly about their work.

    Second, we've all chosen fields of study that for each of us are fun and fascinating, and which we've been fascinated by for many years. We may not have been doing research for years or working on projects for years, but we've spent many years (if not our entire lives) being intrigued by the subject areas we've committed to study.

    For example: I'm an Earth sciences person--I've been fascinated by the Earth and the natural world for as long as I can remember. And as long as I can remember, I've craved any aspect of science that allows me to explain what I see in the physical world around me. And since these things were fascinating to me 5, 10, even 15 years ago, there's a good chance I will still be fascinated by them 5, 10, and 15 years from now. As we all know Katie, you're an Egypt person through and through...your love of everything related to Egypt goes back as long as I've known you, and probably much further than that. If you were fascinated with Egypt at the beginning of college, probably the only way you wouldn't be fascinated with it at the end of your Ph.D. is if you've found out everything you wanted to know about Egypt. And that seems pretty unlikely to me:-) Like Greg, Alex, and Erin have all said, it's the passion that will get you through; even the tough times will be manageable if you absolutely love what you study.

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  6. Finally, if you’re worried that you’ve just made an absolute decision that confines you to academia for the rest of your life…that’s an illusion. The statistics may say that most people in Ph.D. programs end up in academia, but statistics don’t mean anything if you don’t like what you’re doing at the end of six years.

    Academia may seem like the most stable route at the end of a Ph.D., but it’s certainly not the only one. The kind of a commitment that a Ph.D. takes earns respect from people, and there are plenty of stories of people who decided at the end of their programs to go into business or law or travel the world doing field work. There was a lot of publicity in our institution recently because someone who graduated with her Ph.D. in acoustical oceanography ended up going on a space shuttle mission! So it won’t be too late to change paths a few years from now, or even try something new…and if after that you want to go back to academia, you still have that Ph.D. in hand…

    That’s all. Best luck with your moves everyone! Unfortunately I won’t be near Richter’s anytime soon, but we will all have to go during The Game weekend, even if it’s a zoo then. Who cares? It’s for old times’ sake!

    (P.S. Sorry for the super-long double comment post. You don't realize how much you've written until it won't let you publish everything in one comment!)

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